Finding the One – The Indian Way

I recently watched Meet the Patel’s which is a movie/documentary about Ravi whose parents are desperately wanting him to get married. The movie covers aspects that we as Indian’s face when going through the whole process or should I say saga! It’s a great light-hearted comedy to watch & something a lot of Indian’s can relate to.

After watching the movie it inspired me to write this post, as what Ravi goes through is similar to what a lot of people can relate to in some shape or form.

Like most Indian parents, they all want their kids to get through school, university & then settle down with a god job. Once you start to hit that 25 mark the pressure then begins & it tends to be more so for the women than the men.

A lot has changed over the generations from when our parents had arranged marriages as well being married off at a young age. Today it’s become common for women to get married at 30 or older & there’s no shame.

Why is it that parents begin to pressure us from such a young age? Indian parents like any want to see their children settled, happy & begin their own family. Yes, we get it we all want to eventually settle down with Mr or Mrs right but it needs to be on our terms. We’re a generation who wants enjoy life, travel, focus on our careers & to some extent live a carefree life. With all that some prefer to marry at a later age or some may find their partner at a young age & want to enjoy it all with them. Everyone will have his or her own preference.

When you’re ready to find someone there are a few ways it tends to work within the Indian culture unless you're lucky enough have found someone yourself. You’re either introduced through a friend; your number is given to the guy or girl by some aunty, speed dating or matrimonial sites.

The above methods are not guaranteed to always work & behind the sheer madness, it still works for a lot of people. I went on a lot of dates where my number was given to Yes, it’s a bit like cold calling…strange!

Let’s just say this method didn’t work for me! I met my fair share of oddballs; along with men who happened to disappear when it came to paying for coffee, men who were way too short, one who thought it was cool to wear beige jeans with old white reebok trainers! (err I use to be a merchandiser that definitely wasn’t going to work lol) The worst thing of all mummy’s boy! Women like a real man, one who can think for himself, is driven & stands for what he believes is best.

When I was going through the whole process my parents constantly complained that I was being too fussy. Yes as part of the younger generation we have higher expectations & there are certain things that we won’t compromise on. We know our parents especially our mums had to sacrifice a lot & it was an era where the family came first above everything else. Women today are not willing to make the same compromises as our mums did, as we want a lot more from life as well as careers.

When I asked my mum how she met my dad, it was a brief story of meet & then marriage within 2 weeks. Funnily enough, it works like it has for most Indian parents. Our parent's generation didn’t have the luxury of dating or figuring how things were going to work. Today we want to date for at least a year or so figure what each other wants & expects as well as family. With Indian marriages, you don’t just marry the man you marry the family.

Our mums never got the chance to find what their in-laws were like; they just had to get on with it whether they liked it or not. Today we have a chance to meet our potential in-laws & their family to get a feel for it all. By having this freedom it allows us to judge whether any potential issues that may arise as well resolving them before marriage even happens.

BioData

The movie also covers the aspects of bio data. Bio data’s are really old school however; they do kind of exist in some communities.

If you’re not Indian you’re probably wondering what is a bio data? It’s basically a resume of yourself. It would include things like height, age, date of birth (needed for horoscope matching!) complexion, the level of education, whether you drink & eat meat along with all sorts of other stuff. If there were a cooking skills section on this I would have certainly failed if ever asked for one!

The bio data is used in the same way as a CV, you would sift through them & find the ones you think best matches you. Personally, I feel this a redundant process & one that is not fair. What someone may look like on paper may actually be very different in person. For example, someone may not be highly educated as you would like him or her to be but they may fulfil other qualities you are looking for in a partner. If that person was disregarded in the process the guy or girl may have potentially missed out on meeting someone great.

Discrimination

Within the Asian community, there is a caste system of which some are higher than others. Over time the discrimination of the caste system has disappeared however, it still does exist in a subtle manner. However, I’ve still heard of many stories even today where certain people have been made to marry within their community, as their parents still believe that marriage within is the best thing for them. Personally I don’t think it’s a decision to be made by parents. What makes your child happy is down to them & not you.

Another issue that is quite commonly faced is skin complexion. As Indian’s, we can be racist within our community. It’s always seen the fairer the prettier. The mind set has slightly changed on this & more so now as some of the most stunning Bollywood actresses such as Bipasha & Priyanka have paved the way.

Coco Chick Thoughts

I won’t tell you what happens at the end of Meet the Patel’s in case you haven’t watched it. I can say as Indians we are probably one of the most liberal ethnic Asian community. Even the older generation are becoming more open minded as well as being able to carry on embracing our traditions & culture. Being able to balance the both is the beauty of it all.

As for the pressure of marriage, both men & women feel it & it’s hard especially when all your family & friends are settling down. I’ve been married for 5 years & have seen various friends go through both good & bad. All I can say is take your time. The pressure will be there but it’s so important to find the person that is right for you & not because you’ve been pressured into.

Personally, the traditional methods didn’t work for me & I actually met my husband through my best friend on his birthday. It happened when I stopped being so bothered about it all, even though my mum thought I would end up 30 & single!

The effort has to be made when trying to find your future partner but don’t force it. I’m big believer in fate & destiny & sometimes you just need to let fate takes it course. When the time is right everything will fall into place naturally. You live this life once, so live it on your terms & be happy!

Coco Chick xoxo